


pick me.

by aceface



Category: One Direction (Band), X Factor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceface/pseuds/aceface
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is an AU where liam and louis got through as soloists, not as a group, and 1D never existed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	pick me.

"It's just a bit, you know," Liam says, and shrugs.    
  
His mum doesn't say anything on the other end of the line but he can hear her breathing steadily and it grounds him, more than he thought he'd need. "Scary?" she offers, after a few moments of silence, and he's torn between saying yes and not being able to admit it. This is what he's been working towards for two years, after all, and he's barely thought about anything else -- he should be ready for this, it shouldn't be scary at all. And yet -- and yet, and yet.    
  
"Overwhelming," he says as a compromise, and she huffs a laugh down the phone.    
  
"Life in the X Factor house not all you thought it'd be then?"   
  
"Well, I can eat ice cream for breakfast, if that's what you mean," he says dryly -- at fourteen, he'd thought that would be the coolest thing ever. Turns out, he just feels cold and sickly for the rest of the day. Not, of course, that he'd admit to her that he'd actually tried it. "It's just -- there are a lot of people. They're all very... loud."   
  
"It is that sort of industry," she agrees. "But they're the people who'll get all the nasty stories written about them in the papers, you know. Your voice is enough to make you stand out."   
  
"I kind of wish I was in a group," he blurts out, and feels himself flush. "I just, you know I'm not that good at... I can't get along with people right away. And everyone seems to have made friends already or be really old, like, Mary's lovely but she's like a  _mum_ , and maybe if I'd been in a group then, you know, they'd have to be my friends."   
  
"Or maybe you'd hate them all and be driving yourself crazy worrying about solos," his mum points out gently. "Look, love, I know it's hard but you know you can come home whenever you want."   
  
"No!" he says, horrified. "Mum, I  _can't_ , I want this, I can't just go running off home! And when I win --  _if_  I won," he corrects himself, "I'd have to be on my own all the time, on tour and stuff. No, I can do this, I don't mind it, not really. I just have more time to practice. It's an advantage, really, I don't mind."   
  
"If you're sure," she says, and they fall silent again. Liam gets this from his mum, spending more time in his head than out loud, but it's fine. He wasn't lying to her, after all, he never has. Too honest for his own good, his dad says sometimes; sharp in all the ways that Liam can't be. "I saw your video diary, by the way."   
  
"You don't need to watch that!" Liam mentally runs back through it; makes sure he didn't say anything that he wouldn't want his mum to hear. Of course he didn't. "You could just ask  _me_  how my week was!"   
  
"It was nice," she says. "You looked very grown up and professional. I was proud of you."   
  
"I'll have to watch what I say now that I know you're watching."   
  
"You would do anyway," his mum says, and laughs. "I know what you're like, wouldn't want to say anything out of place, after all. Think about everything before you say it."   
  
Liam feels a little defensive, even though he's got no reason to be -- it's true, but he can't help feeling like it's synonymous with  _boring_  ( _too boring for the public, maybe?_  but he doesn't listen to that voice if he can help it). "I just don't want to mess this up," he mumbles.    
  
"You won't," she says, and he hopes it's a promise.   
  
-   
  
Vocal rehearsal with Savan had actually gone better than Liam hoped and he's feeling strangely optimistic (for now, at least) about the live show, when he runs into Louis -- strange, funny, charismatic Louis, who Liam's never really spoken to but can't help watching enviously sometimes when he makes Mary laugh uncontrollably or dances Cher around the living room.   
  
"Hi," Louis says, and grins at him. "I'm Louis Tomlinson. And you're Liam Payne."   
  
"I know," Liam says stupidly, and then fumbles with his words. "I mean, obviously I know I'm Liam. But I know you're Louis, too."   
  
"My reputation precedes me!" Louis says delightedly, like that was just the answer he'd been hoping to hear. Liam's never -- usually he struggles for words, or just states the obvious. He's never been particularly good with the type of banter that other boys his age seem to love, and he once tried mimicking their speech but it wasn't natural to him and he had no idea what to say, and so it wasn't long before he decided to just stick with who he is. Still, it's nice the way that Louis is smiling at him, and he hesitantly returns it.    
  
"So, um." He gestures to the door he's just come out of, trying to keep his smile in place. "Are you going to see Savan?"   
  
"Oh! Oh, no, I wanted to talk to you, actually," Louis says, and just like that Liam feels thrown and uncomfortable again. Louis seems to pick up on it because he fiddles with the strap of his bag and says, "You're not busy or anything?"   
  
"Uh, no, I'm not, actually," Liam says -- because he isn't -- and nods awkwardly at the cafe down the hall. "D'you want to get something to eat?"   
  
(This is the first occasion that he ignores how pleased he feels when Louis's face lights up because of him, but it's not the last.)   
  
Louis's pouring salt out onto the table, drawing a smiley face in it as Liam munches steadily on his energy bar (which doesn't really give him any energy, not that he can tell, but he figures being around Louis means he needs everything he can get) and Liam wonders whether to mention that Louis wanted to talk to him or just leave him to it. The decision's made for him when Louis glances up, pulling his hat off with one hand and messing up his hair as he leans forward.   
  
"I think we should be friends," he announces, resting his chin on one curled up hand. "I mean, we are the only two young lads in the competition, stands to reason."   
  
Liam blinks, unsure of how to take this. If it was anyone else -- Katie, in particular -- he'd assume it was some kind of ploy, to undermine him or just to get more media attention (which, if that were the case, he'd rather they were just honest about it). But Louis... for all Liam's misgivings, Louis is undeniably sincere, and Liam doesn't say 'no' immediately.   
  
Instead he says, "But we're rivals." It sounds a little awkward and he leans forward to try and get his point across. "I mean, our fanbase is split pretty evenly. We appeal to the same kind of people."   
  
"Well,  _duh_ ," Louis says, wrinkling his nose. "But that doesn't mean we can't be mates. It's fu-- very lonely," he amends, clearly trying to get out of the habit of swearing (they're all doing the same; live television is nothing if not intimidating). "I just, you know. Everyone else is ancient, I can't really talk to them."   
  
"I guess," Liam says slowly. "But -- I mean, you get on well with Cher, after all." He's not entirely sure why he's half trying to sabotage Louis's attempts at friendship; it's very odd and after all, it's not like Liam couldn't do with a friend. He's just not entirely sure why Louis would want to be friends with  _him_ , and he's a little worried that Louis will just realise before long that Liam isn't hiding anything, he really  _is_  this boring, and then -- well, it's not like it'd be the end of the world. Just... mildly uncomfortable.   
  
"I do," Louis agrees. "And  _you_  get on well with Rebecca but you can't play fuck, marry, kill with her, after all."   
  
Liam's eyebrows probably disappear under his fringe. "So  _that's_  why you want to be friends with me?"   
  
"A little bit," Louis says, and his grin widens. "Or are your pure virgin ears offended by my coarse language?"   
  
"Coarse language," Liam repeats unsurely, then laughs in spite of himself. "More like your coarse  _face_ ."   
  
Louis looks strangely delighted, and tips his chair back on two feet as he lets out a ridiculous fake sounding chuckle. "I knew I liked you, Liam Payne! Although my face is heavenly and beautiful and all that shit."   
  
"Your language  _is_  terrible," Liam says, seemingly a non-sequitur, but if anyone should be able to follow it should be Louis.   
  
"My language is the language of the gods," Louis says instead, and lands back on all four feet with a crash. "So, Cher, Mary, Rebecca? And mate, if you marry Mary then I'll have to challenge you to a duel. Pistols at dawn." He mimes a sword fight and Liam lets himself make a face. He doesn't feel the need to hide what he's feeling for the first time in ages and while it might be risky to trust someone who is, essentially, a rival, he's making a -- what is it? A leap of faith.   
  
He takes a breath, and answers Louis's question.   
  
-   
  
Liam's tackled into a hug when he comes off-stage, Louis wrapping him in what is almost a strangehold and grinning up at him. Liam's vaguely aware of the cameras on them but it's difficult to care when Louis bites his shoulder before stepping away.   
  
"What was that for?" Liam asks, shoving his hands in his pockets in an attempt to mask his awkwardness -- they've only been "friends" for a few days now, and he's still not sure how to take Louis.   
  
"You always look so sad when you sing," Louis says, as though it's obvious. "Thought you might need a bit of cheering up."   
  
"You always smile when you sing," Liam says, because it's true. He doesn't mind though. It's probably not right good for Louis's singing but that's for the vocal coaches to sort out, not him, and besides, he likes watching Louis sing. He looks so  _happy_ .   
  
"That's because my smile is charming and no one can resist it," Louis says solemnly, slinging an arm around Liam's shoulders and grinning widely at him to demonstrate. "See? You're under my spell now, I could make you do anything I want."   
  
"Like what?" Liam deadpans. Only... it's true, just a little bit. Not when Louis smiles like that -- all teeth and conceit -- but the way Louis smiles sometimes when he thinks Liam isn't looking. Soft and unsure and it makes Liam desperately want to cling to him, which -- yeah, that's something he needs to repress. Also, he can clearly never get drunk around Louis,  _ever_ .   
  
"Like bring me carrots," Louis says, and buries his face in Liam's hair. "Hundreds and thousands of them. Millions, even. Just carrots. Forever. I would be the king of carrots."   
  
"You'd turn orange," Liam says inanely (but how is he supposed to make any sense when Louis is  _this close_ , really?) and Louis blows a raspberry on Liam's head and pulls away.   
  
"Like a tangerine," he says, and Liam says, "No, like a carrot."   
  
"You'd love me anyway, though," Louis says, and he doesn't smile but there's something in his eyes that really just makes it all sink in and Liam can't help thinking,  _oops._  Because he would.   
  
-   
  
Sometimes, Liam isn't entirely sure if it's worth it, any of it. He just -- he thinks too much, to be quite honest, he always has. When you want something this badly, so badly, it's the only thing occupying your mind sometimes. He's put two years of his life into The X Factor, into practicing and hoping (but not wishing, because Liam would never rely on that. He would never leave it up to a wish; only up to himself) and working for it. And school on top of that -- the point is that Liam isn't a stranger to getting what he wants and certainly not to hard work. So now he's here, and it's the home stretch (he's not thinking about the work that lays ahead of him yet even if he wins, just of the triumph) and it shouldn't be easy, but it should be easier.   
  
So none of that explains why he's sat here on his bed in the corner of the room, back against the join of the two walls and his hands over his closed eyes. He just -- he needs a minute, sometimes, that's all. Because after two years of getting nowhere slowly, it's going so fast now all of a sudden, like in a few weeks it'll all be over and he might even be  _signed_  and it's great -- it  _is_  great, but sometimes he just feels too young for all this. Which isn't to say he'd give it up, any of it, but he just can't help thinking about how he might have to keep his relationships secret and he can't make a mistake, not ever, because there'll always be cameras there and he'll never be able to forget it.   
  
"You're neurotic, you know," says a familiar voice by his ear, and Liam jerks his head back against the wall in surprise.    
  
"For all that you're loud, you can be really creepily quiet sometimes," he says before he's even opened his eyes, because it's obviously Louis. "Did you never learn that it's not nice to sneak up on people?"   
  
"Nope," Louis says, with no ounce of shame, and grins at Liam. "Never."   
  
"And I'm not neurotic," Liam says, but he already feels slightly more relaxed. "I don't think that word means what you think it means."   
  
"I think you're wrong," Louis replies, moving close enough that his shoulder is resting against Liam's. "Anyway, I didn't even come up here to watch you freaking yourself out, I was going to ask if you want a table tennis ping pong tournament. Which one is it? Our table, I mean, is it ping pong or is it table tennis? I can never remember. Is there even any difference?"   
  
"Between ping pong and table tennis," Liam repeats slowly, but Louis's mind moves too fast for him to catch and he might as well be speaking to himself sometimes for all the good it does.   
  
"So, c'mon, you up for it?"   
  
"Uhh," Liam says, to buy time, because really he should be practicing his song or making doubly sure that he knows all the lyrics or maybe going to see Savan, but it's probably too late for that, he's probably gone home now. "I'm not sure--"   
  
"Too late, I already made the decision for you," Louis says cheerfully, and he holds out a hand to pull Liam off the bed. "Are you ready to get shown up by the master?"   
  
"You're not the master," Liam says, feeling a reluctant smile begin to spread across his face. "I've told you; referring to yourself like that doesn't make it true."   
  
"And I've told you that everything I say is true, Liam Payne," Louis says, oddly serious despite his grin, and Liam shrugs it off and doesn't let himself think any more about it.   
  
-   
  
Liam's halfway through his video diary and about to start answering the fan questions (which he really hates, because he's nowhere near funny or interesting enough, but still) when the camera man sighs a little bit and says, "Really?"   
  
"Hi!" Louis says a few seconds later, dropping into the space next to Liam and making a face at the camera man. "Am I early?"   
  
"I -- your video diary isn't til later," Liam says, because they all have an order to go in and Louis's is usually the last because the camera men always say they're just about ready to go home after dealing with that. He's wearing a ridiculous onesie that should look stupider than it actually does, and Liam wonders if the relief he's feeling actually shows on his face.   
  
"We're sharing one. Or I'm going to crash yours, either one works," Louis says as though it's obvious. "I'm bored of doing them on my own, it's boring, so I thought who better to keep company than my beautiful... Mary." He winks at Liam, exaggerated and over the top. "Only she was busy so I had to make do with you instead."   
  
"How flattering," Liam says dryly and the camera man (who's name he should really know by now, after all -- Ben? He's pretty sure it's Ben) says, "Alright, now for the questions."   
  
"You filmed that?" Liam asks and Ben shrugs and says, "They'll love it, c'mon."   
  
"Okay," Liam says, and tries to remember what he was going to say. "I've had lots of questions this week so thank you everyone and I'm really sorry if I can't answer yours but, uh. This one is from -- Meg?"   
  
"A beautiful name," Louis says wisely, his shoulder knocking against Liam's. "My real name, actually. Meagan Louis Tomlinson. Fun fact there for all you listeners at home. And watchers. Listeners and watchers."   
  
"Okay," Liam says again, because he's beginning to find concentration difficult. "So Meg wants to know, if I -- or, I guess, we -- could be one other person in the X Factor house for a day, who would we be?" He actually can't think of anything right now, so he glances at Louis. "Louis?"   
  
"I'd be Matt," Louis says straight away. "Because then I would have a manly beard and know how to paint houses and that's all I ever want in life."   
  
Liam is vaguely aware that he shouldn't really say 'okay' for the third time but there are very few other words he can think of, so he goes with it anyway. "Okay. And I guess I'd be, um..."   
  
"You'd be Aiden," Louis says, as though it's obvious. "If I'm Matt, you have to be Aiden."   
  
"Of course," Liam says, and then, "Um, why would I be Aiden?"   
  
"Matt and Aiden makes Maiden," Louis recites. "They're like the same person. Co-dependent. Kind of creepy. Like us." He pushes his face into Liam's shoulder and says, "Only you're the creepy one in this scenario. Also you like cardigans, like Aiden."   
  
"And you have no sense of personal space, like Matt," Liam points out, but this only encourages Louis to wriggle closer until he's almost sitting on Liam's lap. Matt doesn't even have a problem with personal space, not that Liam can tell anyway, but luckily no one calls him on it.   
  
"Okay, next question," Ben calls out and Liam swallows, and lets himself relax into it. This would probably be fun if he wasn't so tense.   
  
"This one is from Natalie and she wants to know what the strangest dream is that we've ever had," Liam reads out. He sees Ben's face before he sees Louis's, but he recognises the wicked expression and barely thinks before reaching over and zipping Louis's onesie over his face. He's not entirely sure what Louis was going to say, but he knows enough to be able to tell it'd be nothing appropriate. Liam smiles at the camera, ignoring the muffled sounds coming from Louis, and says, "Well, one time I dreamt that I turned into a squirrel."   
  
It's a lie but come on, he barely remembers his dreams half the time and certainly not enough to share them with maybe thousands of people. "A squirrel?" Louis repeats incredulously, once he's managed to find the zip and pull it down, and Liam shrugs.   
  
"Yeah, I was, um, running up... trees," he finishes weakly. "It was strange. Which is why it's my strangest dream."   
  
"I dreamt about  _you_ , Liam," Louis says, and flutters his eyelashes. Liam hopes his abject terror of whatever Louis is going to come out with next doesn't show up on camera. "We were on a bouncy castle. With carrots and ice cream. And chipmunks. Then we went to space." He leans back, putting the back of his hand to his forehead and sighs dramatically. "I've never been so disappointed to wake up in all my life."   
  
"Not even when you were dreaming about Mary," Liam says, in a desperate attempt to change the subject, and Louis gasps.   
  
"No! You can never tell her!" He springs up, then sits back down again. It's almost comical. "She can never know of us, Liam. Ours is a forbidden love."   
  
Liam has no idea what Ben is thinking, but from the expression on his face he's willing to bet it's not dissimilar to Liam's own  _oh, shit_ .   
  
-   
  
Liam's mum calls while he's sat watching the view count go up every time he refreshes. It's currently on 300,000 views -- nearly double what he has on all his other videos. Three hundred thousand times that video's been watched -- and to be honest, most of them are probably from Liam himself. The rest of the video didn't go badly, and Liam's not stupid -- he knows a "bromance" or whatever will be good for him, publicity and all that, even though that's not really anything to do with it. He  _couldn't_  do it because of that, even if he wanted to -- Liam is a terrible actor, everyone would be able to tell he was faking it.   
  
He answers the phone and sits there while she does nothing but laugh for about five minutes.   
  
"If you only rang to laugh at my life then don't bother," Liam says, as crossly as he can bring himself to.    
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, love," she says, once she's calmed down (although he can totally hear Ruth still laughing in the background). "It was adorable, though, you've nothing to worry about."   
  
That's the thing, though -- he doesn't, not really. He doesn't even really feel like Louis was making fun of him, and he can easily admit that it's nice to have someone to be close with, to not have to do video diaries on his own and to have someone to nudge when walking past the screaming girls to the studio, to say things like, "Can you believe this is real?" He likes Louis, a lot. He does. What Liam  _doesn't_  like are the comments. Obviously people are speculating and obviously most people are joking but the thing is, he really  _does_  like Louis and he's good at hiding it, he is, but he feels like he's going to be under a microscope now and this whole thing is hard enough as it is without -- extra pressure.   
  
"Liam?" His mum's voice comes through the phone again; tinny and worried. "Are you still there?"   
  
"Yeah," he says, and closes the lid of his laptop. "Yeah, I am, sorry. Hey, did I tell you what I'm singing next week?"   
  
-   
  
Louis finds Liam in the practice room after the disaster that was week five. While Liam can take criticism as well as the next person, being in the bottom two is the worst experience of his life so far -- dramatics aside -- and he's determined to make sure that it won't happen again. He's glad the judges saved him and not Treyc, as harsh as that sounds, but he had actually aimed to get through the entire competition without ever being in the bottom. He also wishes he knew who got the least votes, if he really deserves to be here, he wants to ask everyone  _why_  exactly they wanted him out, so he can fix it, whatever it is.   
  
"Hey," Louis says, and Liam manages to stop singing. His throat feels raw. It's entirely possible he may have overdone it.   
  
"Hey." He lets his head tip back, resting it against the cool surface of the mirrors and closes his eyes briefly. "What time is it?"   
  
"It's pushing ten," Louis says, and he actually sounds concerned. "Liam, mate, you've been in here for hours. I really think you should stop now."   
  
"I -- maybe," Liam allows, and suddenly it's like a big wall of tiredness hits him and he slides down to rest on the floor. "Is it really ten?"   
  
"Nearly." Louis hesitates before coming over to sit next to him, leaning his head on Liam's knee. "Well. It's twenty five to, but that's closer to ten than it is to nine. I thought you'd never stop otherwise."   
  
"I've stopped," Liam says, mainly because he doesn't think he's got the energy to stand up, let alone start singing again. "I just. Fuck." He pushes his fists into his eyes, willing himself to be stronger, to do better.    
  
"I know," Louis says, and there's something about his tone that makes Liam realise, oh, yeah, shit. Because Louis's been bottom two twice before, actually. "But working yourself to death isn't going to help. Unless you're going for sympathy votes, and I'm already working that angle."   
  
Liam catches himself before he says  _no, you get by on your looks_  -- he'd only mean it as a joke but Louis is uncharacteristically sensitive about his singing. "I just don't know what else to do," he says instead, and Louis shifts a little so he's staring up at Liam.   
  
"Talk to Dannii about it?" Louis blows out his cheeks, exhaling loudly. "Mate, I don't know, but I can tell you that this isn't a good plan."   
  
"Lies," Liam says, then catches Louis's eye and laughs in spite of himself. "No, I know, you're right, I just--"   
  
"Ex _cuuuuuse_  me?" Louis interrupts, jerking upright. "Did the great Liam Payne  _actually_  just admit that someone else was right?"   
  
Liam rolls his eyes at Louis, but he's still laughing and Louis throws his arms around Liam's neck, clinging on and dragging Liam down with his whole weight until they're lying side by side on their backs. "It'll be okay, though, right?"   
  
Louis finds Liam's hand, squeezes it tightly. "We'll be fine."   
  
-   
  
Sometimes Liam thinks of Louis as being part of him, almost; the other half of him, the part that says things that Liam can't, or won't. But when Katie is arguing with Matt in the front room (because of course she wants all of the attention; even now, her voice is resonating through the house) Louis gets involved -- because Louis is fiercely loyal, even when he shouldn't be, and Liam sometimes wishes that Louis could be more... (manipulative? cynical? he thinks, but maybe that's the part of Louis that Liam fills instead).   
  
Katie rounds on him about the time that Louis calls her an attention-seeking wench who doesn't know when to back off and her eyes narrow as she points a finger at him like a curse. "You can just shut up, okay, Louis? Let the adults speak."   
  
"I wouldn't exactly call  _you_  an adult," Louis spits, and Matt folds his arms across his chest, not even bothering to tell Louis that this is nothing to do with him. Selling stories to the papers is to do with  _all_  of them after all; they need to know who they can trust in here. "You're a spoilt little child who wants some attention--"   
  
"Well," Katie hisses, and Liam starts forwards at the tone of her voice because Louis might be optimistic but Liam can recognise venom from fifty feet away. "At least  _I_  can actually  _sing_ . Some of us got through on more than a smile and a pretty face, you know."   
  
Liam isn't sure who the intake of breath comes from but he isn't sure at first who the next words come from, either, until he realises that it's him. "Shut up," he says, and his voice is low and almost dangerous. "You just shut up because you have no idea what you're talking about, and if you're so confident in your singing abilities then you wouldn't need to desperately try and get some pathetic publicity any way that you can." He likes the way  _pathetic_  feels in his mouth and the way Katie rears back as if she's been struck so he says it again, tasting it on his tongue. "You're  _actually_  pathetic, do you know that? The public hate you, and so do I. You're a talentless, spiteful reject."   
  
Mary puts a hand on his shoulder, pulling him away and out of the room. "That's enough," she says quietly but it isn't, it  _isn't_ . She hasn't stayed up nights with Louis when he was convinced he wasn't good enough, when he whispered that he didn't deserve to be there, fearfully, like saying the words out loud might make them true.   
  
"She doesn't have the right to say that," Liam insists, trying to  _make_  Mary understand, that was more than Katie's usual brand of poison. "She doesn't, she can't -- where's Louis?"   
  
"Right here." Louis closes the door behind him, trying to smile at Liam. "Mate, I'm fine."   
  
"She's a  _bitch_ ," Liam spits and Mary's grip tightens on his shoulder.   
  
"Come on, now, Liam, there's no call for that kind of language from you. I know you're upset, but try and control yourself."   
  
"Yeah,  _Liam_ ," Louis says, sounding a little bit more like his old self, but he looks tired around his eyes. "You disgust me with your swearing. I can't stand to listen to it."   
  
"Oh, whatever." Liam manages to make a face, but he can still feel the adrenaline racing under his skin. "Like you're not as bad." Louis smiles but doesn't say anything, and Liam desperately thinks of what he should do. "Uh, do you want a game of... table tennis? I'll even let you win this one."   
  
"Like you could actually beat me," Louis says, but his smile looks more real and Liam hugs him before he knows what he's doing.   
  
"You're amazing," he says into Louis's ear, and then his mind catches up to his actions and he steps back. "You know, but don't let it go to your head or anything."   
  
"I," Louis says. Nothing else. Liam is a little worried that he's broken him, he's actually  _broken Louis_ , but then Louis pushes his hand through his hair and says, "I... knew that already. Actually." He sends Liam a blinding smile and says, "But it's nice of you to realise."   
  
"Should've realised you'd already founded the Louis Tomlinson fanclub all on your own," Liam mutters, trailing after Louis to the table tennis and Louis says, "Well, I couldn't have you getting there first."   
  
Liam misses the first few shots because Louis takes his jacket off. This may be getting out of hand.   
  
-   
  
Liam hates photoshoots but if he has to do them, he is determined to do them well. He's actually determined to do well at every single aspect of being a star, actually, but some parts are easier to him than others. Anyway, he practices in front of a mirror to find his best "side", his best expression, and quickly determines that smiling --  _properly_  smiling, with teeth and everything -- makes him look like a manic ten year old. So that's out.   
  
Either way, he's nervous when the photographer pairs them up -- he wanted to do solo shots, apparently, but The X Factor insisted that the groups had to be photographed together and it ruined his  _vision_ (and really, Liam didn't know there was a vision for non-artistic photoshoots, he thought you just -- took the photos but apparently it's a bit more difficult than that). Unsurprisingly, Liam gets paired with Louis. It is a relief, though; it'd be worse if he'd been with Katie or Wagner, for example (Katie hasn't spoken to him since the argument last week).    
  
The only thing is that Ruth called him last week to tell him that he stared at Louis a lot in video diaries, and also that he looked like he was in love with him. Judging by the cackling, she found it hilarious, but Liam really doesn't want what she called his "adoring look" to get captured in a photo. At all.   
  
"Hi." Liam glances up, terrified of being caught mumbling out loud about Louis or something -- he's never done it before, but that's no reason why he might not have started -- but it's just Aiden, smiling reassuringly and sitting down next to him. "So you looking forward to the 'photoshoot'?" He puts air quotes around photoshoot, even though it's an actual word, but it doesn't annoy Liam like it would if anyone else had done it.   
  
"Not really," he admits. It's alright to say these things to Aiden, with his too big cardigans and glasses. "I sort of don't want to look... crazy."   
  
"Like a serial killer," Aiden nods. "I think if that's going to be any of us, it'll probably be me. You know, being all  _intense_ ." He makes a face that Liam is pretty sure is supposed to be intense but just looks strangely adorable.    
  
"Maybe," Liam allows anyway. "Are you with Matt, then?"   
  
"Of course. Can't split up the glory of Maiden, after all." Aiden grins, pulling his cardigan sleeves over his hands. "And I'm guessing you're with Louis? You two really need a name smush, you know, it's just not right without one."   
  
"It's a bit more difficult when both your names start with the same letter," Liam points out, and he's sadly already had this discussion with Louis. "Lou-am and Li-iss just don't really work."   
  
"Liaminson," Aiden tries. "Lou-ayne. Yeah, no, you have a point."   
  
"I think Louis's still working on it, though," Liam says. "So you could brainstorm with him. He probably has posters."   
  
"Probably," Aiden agrees. "So are you --" He cuts himself off abruptly and Liam's mind immediately goes to the worst possibilities. He's not sure what he looks like but it must be bad, because Aiden says, "No, no! I -- shit, Liam, don't panic or anything."   
  
" _What were you going to say_ ," Liam says urgently, and Aiden curls his hand around Liam's wrist.   
  
"Just -- you like him, don't you?" Aiden says, his voice soft, and Liam fights the urge to deny everything. It's only Aiden, and he can trust Aiden, after all, and (this is the main reason) a denial will just make it even more stupidly obvious.   
  
"A little bit," Liam manages to say and his voice only breaks slightly. "He's just, you know." He makes a gesture that he thinks is supposed to convey that, but he's not sure how well it comes across. " _Louis_ ."   
  
"It's okay, mate," Aiden says, and he claps Liam on the shoulder. It somehow turns into an awkward one armed hug, just because they're both the least laddish people  _ever_ , and Liam feels -- less scared than he thought he would. "I won't tell him, promise. I think  _you_  should, though."   
  
"No," Liam says fervently, and Aiden shrugs.   
  
"I'm not going to make you. Just -- think about it, yeah?"   
  
It's silly though, really, because Liam hardly thinks about anything else.   
  
-   
  
The worst part is the bit of Liam's brain that he can't turn off, the logical bit, the bit that says  _well, you know, he's really_ not _that good of a singer_ , or -- even worse -- the bit that says  _better him than you_ , quietly and slyly, because Liam may be able to sing but he's not deluding himself into thinking he has anywhere near the same kind of charm as Louis. It's about the singing for him, it always has been, but he never learned how to smile like he means it and his first instinct is never to joke with people or make them feel at ease. It couldn't be even if he wanted it to be.    
  
But still, when Louis's name is called, that part of his brain shuts up for once and all he can think is, well,  _fuck_ . And then,  _and why the actual fuck is Katie Waissel still in?_  He can't move for at least ten seconds -- although it feels like ten minutes, he's just frozen to the spot, shaking, and this is almost as bad as it would've been to hear his own name. He manages to start moving and makes it to Louis, wrapping his arms around him and holding on for dear life.   
  
After a few seconds, it becomes evident that he's actually holding Louis up. Dermot tries to pull him away, but Liam hangs on.   
  
"They were chanting for you," Liam says fiercely, trying to make Louis  _understand_ . "I was chanting for you, everyone wanted you to stay, it shouldn't have been  _you_ ."   
  
"Liam, you have to return to the others," Dermot says firmly, manging to detach him from Louis. "I understand you're upset, but you need to return to the others."   
  
He does, reluctantly, because it actually kills him a little bit to leave Louis like that -- alone on the stage, crushed but trying not to show it, and then they show his stupid  _journey_ , his time on The X Factor and it must hurt so much and it's so unfair that Liam can't be  _with_  him.   
  
Dannii goes over about halfway through, pulls Louis into a hug and holds onto him and Liam just clenches and unclenches his fists, feeling so fucking  _useless_ .   
  
"I just want this more than anything," says Louis on the screen, and Louis on the stage looks smaller than Liam's ever seen him.   
  
-   
  
"I don't know," Liam says after, and he's maybe crying just a little bit into Louis's shoulder. "I can't, not without you--"   
  
"No, come on, look at me," Louis says and he pushes Liam away, holding his shoulders. "I'm not the greatest singer, this was always going to happen. I'm just -- I'm happy I got this far, if I'm being honest with you. But you -- Liam, you could  _win_  this."   
  
" _You_  should've won this," Liam says fiercely, and he believes it, he does. Because Louis has it, he has the x factor, whatever the fuck that is, and it's not  _fair_  that he's going out like this, not to Katie fucking Waissel of all people. "We should -- it was going to be us, at the end, it  _should_  have been us."   
  
Louis laughs, sounding resigned and old. "I'd only make it harder for you if I'd got through. Look at us, you're not stupid, Liam, we're both good looking boys--" he winks, and Liam laughs in spite of himself, "some of us more than others, but still. The difference is that one of us can sing and one can't, so obviously they're going to go for you."   
  
"But our room," Liam says, stupidly. "I'll be on my own --"   
  
"What makes you think I'm going to leave?" Louis says suddenly, in a booming voice, and squeezes Liam's shoulders. "Mate, I'm on the tour. I came ninth, it's not exactly losing. We'll be fine. I'll call you every night. Every day. All the time. I'll call you while you're singing." He grins. "On stage. They'll have to stop the show for me."   
  
"We'll still be friends, though, right?" Liam says desperately and Louis's expression changes, sobers.   
  
"Liam, you could not get rid of me now if you tried. Promise. Pinky promise. Scout's honour and all that." He elbows Liam in the side. "Although I might be too famous for you. You realise I'm going to be on This Morning tomorrow? Liam, I might even get to be on  _Daybreak_ . Dizzying heights of fame."   
  
"They'll kick you off the minute you open your mouth," Liam says dazedly and Louis bites his shoulder. Still, when it's time for Louis to leave, Liam finds it difficult to let him go.   
  
-   
  
It's weird, because Liam's never had a problem with being alone before. He's got his dreams, as ridiculous as that sounds. He's always had something to work towards.   
  
Louis texts him, saying  _am i allowed to miss you this much??_  and Liam doesn't know how to say no to Louis. He never has.   
  
-   
  
The first time he sees Louis again --  _really_  sees him, not just a quick Skype session or a phone call in between interviews -- Liam hugs him. He doesn't even think about it, either, and he's not usually a demonstrative person but there's just something about the way Louis's stood there, holding his bags and wearing a  _Hi, my name is..._  sticker (NO JIMMY PROTESTED is written in the space). Either way, he just takes over Liam's senses and he doesn't even think about what he's doing as he covers the distance between them in two long strides, hugging Louis tightly and enjoying it for five seconds before he feels stupid and self-conscious. He lets go of Louis almost as quickly as he hugged him, stepping back awkwardly and glancing over to where X Factor people are already picking up his bags to load them onto the bus.   
  
"Hi," Louis says, amused. "Miss me?"   
  
"Of course," Liam says, and it's meant to sound like a joke but he just sounds like he means it. "I mean, you know. What would I do without you to throw salt in my eyes?"   
  
"You would pine away for me, of course," Louis says grandly, and he slings an arm around Liam's shoulder as they start walking back over to the bus. "I know you too well, Liam Payne. You'd maybe even cry."   
  
"If you think I'd cry over you, you don't know me at all," Liam says and Louis shushes him loudly.   
  
"Tears of  _man pain_ ," he says, tugging Liam closer into his side, and there's no reason at all why Liam's face would suddenly heat up. "And angst. And as we all know, you angst enough -- you even look sad when you  _sing_ , it's heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking --"   
  
"Is there a point to all this?" Liam asks and Louis shoves his face against Liam's ear.   
  
"The point is that you missed me more than you'd like to admit," he says, his breath hot against Liam's skin, and Liam shivers all over in spite of himself. Louis pulls back, looking concerned. "Mate, are you cold? Can't have you getting sick, you're too much of a delicate flower."   
  
"I am not," Liam says, and he heads onto the bus.   
  
There are bunks.   
  
Liam isn't entirely sure why he's surprised by this. Thinking about it logically, of  _course_  there would be bunks. But still, he's taken aback and hesitates, allowing Louis to push past him and throw his bag onto the bottom bunk, the one furthest away from everything else.    
  
"I want this one," Louis announces, and turns to grin at Liam. "So you can be above me."   
  
"Are you sure?" Liam says, following Louis over and biting his lip. "I mean, I could be opposite you--"   
  
"And then who's going to be above me? Wagner? Liam, mate, I wouldn't feel safe. You wouldn't want me to be living in fear on this tour, would you?  _Would you?_ " he repeats, widening his eyes as far as they'll go until Liam can't hold it in any longer and cracks up laughing, tossing his stuff onto the bunk above Louis's.    
  
"The things I do for you," he says, in his best long-suffering tone, and Louis smiles.   
  
"Because you love me."   
  
And it's stupid, it is, because Louis says that all the time and even declares his love for Liam on his Twitter sometimes and it's not  _serious_ , it's just -- they're just  _words_ , but something about the way Louis says it makes whatever Liam was going to say next choke in his throat. He stumbles over his sentence, flushed red and more embarrassed than he's ever been in his life, and he's not sure whether Louis genuinely hasn't noticed or is just pretending not to. He's also not sure which he'd prefer.   
  
"I want you on top," Louis adds, sliding into his own bunk and sticking his face out to grin at Liam. "Get it? It's funny 'cause it sounds like we're doing sex."   
  
"It sounds like you're ridiculous," Liam says, face still hot, and tries to kick Louis in the face a little bit as he pulls himself up onto his own bunk. It's nice, really. Compact. Liam just about fits in it (he doesn't want to  _think_  about how Wagner will fare) and he feels a little bit like he belongs. Still, that could just be because of Louis beneath him, singing  _Be Our Guest_  under his breath and knocking on the bottom of Liam's bunk in time with the words.   
  
"Payner!" Louis shouts, louder than he really needs to for Liam to hear him. "You're going to see me  _every day_  again." He kicks Liam's bunk, hard enough that Liam feels the thud rather than hears it, and starts laughing. "I bet you missed me, didn't you? Lots and lots. Especially my face. Liam. Did you miss my face?"   
  
"Actually, I think I've changed my mind about the tour," Liam calls back, and rolls onto his front, burying his face in his pillow to hide his stupid grin. "I don't want to be on it anymore, I'm going to let Treyc take my place."   
  
"You liar!" Louis calls, and Katie stops on her way past, rolls her eyes.   
  
"Are you two going to be shouting at each other  _all the time_ ? We're actually going to need our sleep, you know."   
  
"If you're referring to beauty sleep then you need all of it you can get," Louis says cheekily, and it's a stupid enough comeback that it shouldn't matter but it's still satisfying to see Katie toss her head and stalk off. "I think I'm going to ask her to marry me," Louis says, and they hear Katie's sigh all the way from the back of the bus.   
  
Liam feels happiness gather in his stomach and thinks,  _this is where I'm meant to be._   
  
-   
  
Liam can't really sleep, at all. It's not excitement or nerves -- although he  _is_  excited, he got used to sleeping through that while he was on the actual show. It's just that this is all so new and amazing and he's _dreamt_  about this, he feels like it'd be such a waste to go to sleep and miss it all. He can sleep anything, and although sleeping  _on a tourbus_  is a novelty in and of itself, being awake on a tourbus is winning at the moment.   
  
His phone buzzes.    
  
_i can hear u thinking!! go 2 sleep :()_   
  
It's from Louis, obviously, and he's not entirely sure why Louis didn't just  _say_  that but either way, he texts back. It's easier than talking, somehow.   
  
_what is wron gwith that smiley what is its mouth_   
  
He doesn't get a reply but he still can't sleep -- it's easier to play Brick Breaker on his phone until he hears Louis knocking on the bottom of his bunk. "Liiiiiiam."   
  
Liam stares at the ceiling and allows himself one thought of  _what is my life_  before twisting around so he can stick his head comfortably over the side of his bunk and stare at Louis. "What is it?"   
  
"I can't sleep either; you woke me up with all your thinking," Louis says, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. Then he rolls out of bed and starts pulling himself up into Liam's bunk.   
  
"What are you doing?" Liam says inanely, but Louis only sticks his tongue out and then says, "Help me up, this is more difficult than I thought."   
  
"Yes, because the bus is moving and  _you aren't using the ladder_ ," Liam points out, but he grabs Louis's arms and pulls him into the bunk anyway. It's tiny and really, really not big enough for both of them but Louis squishes as close in as he can and pulls the duvet over them both. It's all arms and legs and Louis has the pointiest elbows in the world but Liam's strangely comfortable in spite of that.   
  
"So what were you thinking about?" Louis whispers in Liam's ear, too loud and close, and Liam pushes his tongue into the inside of his cheek and desperately thinks unsexy thoughts. Louis's waiting for an answer, though, and it's not like he never crawled into Liam's bed when they were sharing a room (although those beds were significantly larger than this) so Liam manages to pull himself together.   
  
"Just -- this," he says instead, and turns his head to face Louis properly. "We're on a tour. It's amazing."   
  
"We should do a twitcam tomorrow," Louis says suddenly. There's just one piece of his hair sticking up and Liam can't take his eyes off it. "Indulge the fans."   
  
"If you want," Liam says and Louis says, "Clearly I do want. Your ceiling's really boring."   
  
"Sorry?"   
  
"You've got no pictures on it or anything," Louis says, and wriggles closer. His toes are freezing on Liam's leg. Liam is also very thankful he stopped sleeping naked around the time The X Factor started. " _I_ have. Lots and lots. I'll give you one tomorrow." He blinks, then smirks. "Eyyyy, I'll  _give you one_  tomorrow. If you know what I mean."   
  
"I'm thankful I don't," Liam says dryly. "Can you believe we're on tour, though?"   
  
"It is amazing," Louis says quietly, and presses his nose into Liam's neck. Somehow he's ended up completely wrapped around Liam, and Liam isn't sure how. "I wanted to snuggle with Wagner but he snores too loudly."   
  
"Can't hear him right now," Liam says, matching Louis's volume so it feels like they're sharing secrets even when they're not. "I'm sure you could still climb in."   
  
"We could have a menage a trois," Louis says and Liam wrinkles his nose and says, "I'd be scared he'd roll over and suffocate me in the night." It's not that funny, not really, and yet they both start giggling, trying to stay quiet and feeling like they're getting away with something.   
  
When Liam wakes up in the morning, he resists the urge to watch Louis sleeping. That's just a little bit creepy.   
  
Instead, he carefully disentangles himself (because Louis's like an octopus sometimes) and makes his way into the kitchen area. Aiden's there already, looking like he's barely slept and Liam steels himself for the inevitable comments -- Louis's dark messy hair is clearly visible in the bunk he's just left. Instead, Aiden just quirks a smile at him and slides a cup of tea across the counter.   
  
"You look like you could use this more than I can," he says. Liam takes it gratefully -- because really, he's never going to turn down a cup of tea -- and sips it, trying not to think about the fact that he feels more well rested than he has in weeks. Maybe it's to do with Louis and maybe it isn't, but worrying isn't going to do anything about it.   
  
Aiden's cardigan has slid down to show a dark bruise, anyway, so clearly there's more than one of them sharing bunks in the bus. The only difference is that Aiden is getting some.   
  
When Liam makes it back to his bunk -- coincidentally, when Cher gets up and starts stomping around the kitchen til she's got her morning packets of crisps -- Louis's gone but there's a photo blu-tacked to the ceiling, right above Liam's pillow. It's a little crumpled, like it's been around for a while, and Liam climbs into his bunk so he can look at it comfortably. (It's  [him and Louis](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg59u3yOKm1qfyjygo1_500.jpg) , after a rehearsal, faces close together and smiling at the camera.) He wiggles his toes, and thinks all over again how there's nowhere he'd rather be right now but here.   
  
-   
  
The autograph lines are fun -- well, not autograph lines, but that's what he's started to think of them as; the lines of people with their fingers curled around the gates, passing photos and books and magazines through, and they want his signature. That's all; they just want to look at a scribble that he made with a pen and Liam doesn't have a problem with that, surreal as it is. It's nice and he likes making sure that he smiles at all of them, spells their names properly and thanks them because he used to be one of them, after all, and it's only thanks to them that he isn't.   
  
So. He likes to show his appreciation, and the next girl is no different. He takes the X Factor book from her, and uncaps his pen.   
  
"So who do I make this out to?" he asks carefully, and the girl says "Anneka." He asks her how to spell that and writes it very carefully, handing the book back to her.    
  
"Thanks," she says, and smiles before tapping her finger on a different part. "Did you see what Louis wrote?"   
  
"I -- no, I didn't," Liam says, and looks properly at the message. It's badly written in Sharpie, but he can still just about make out  _Liam Payne is well fit_  above Louis's messy signature. He smiles and hands the book back to her. "Well, you know Louis. He's a bit of a flirt."   
  
"Aren't you going to write anything about him?" she asks, smile wide, and Liam says, "Um, just tell him -- I didn't want to expand his ego any further."   
  
It's not just the once, though.   
  
It starts being every night, people passing messages to him from Louis, teasing notes written to him on people's books. And it's not like any of the fans  _mind_  that Louis writes all over their stuff, because their "bromance" has been pretty much known since that video diary (although it could never eclipse Maiden), but it still takes Liam a while to get used to it until he starts expecting it. Sometimes it's on a post-it note, and one time a girl leans over and pats it carefully onto his shirt --  _property of louis tomlinson ;)_ .   
  
Louis never says anything about it, just pokes Liam in the side when he passes him on the way to sign an autograph, and sometimes Liam hears him talking about him but strangely, it's never anything he feels the need to mention. It just seems oddly normal, and even the knowledge that it maybe  _isn't_  normal still doesn't mean that Liam can bring himself to worry about it. Which, by the way, is a completely new situation for him. Maybe it's the fact that Louis crawls into his bunk more nights than not, or the fact that Liam doesn't remember the last time he watched a DVD alone -- or, more accurately phrased, without Louis. Even Aiden's stopped making faces at him and is instead treating it like nothing out of the ordinary.   
  
This is his only explanation for what happens when a girl faces him with a camera and smiles. "I'd really, really like it if I could record you singing something," she says hesitantly, and her friend jumps up and down a little bit.   
  
"You should sing something for Louis!" she squeals, and Liam can't help smiling back at them. "It'd be so cute! Will you?"   
  
"Of course," he says, because Liam is absolutely terrible at saying no to fans, and he searches his mind for something to sing. Justin Bieber is the first thing that he remembers and he doesn't think twice before singing a few lines. "I'll always be your number one, number one fan, and I should be your one and only man. You should pick me." He finishes sooner than he'd like, because there is a long line of fans and they only get a certain amount of time.   
  
He smiles at the girls, moves on.   
  
The video -- "LIAM SINGS PICK ME FOR LOUIS OMG :) BEST DAY EVA! ♥" gets 250,000 views on YouTube, despite only being thirty seconds long. Louis sets it as his ringtone.   
  
-   
  
Liam gets to stand next to Louis for the group song, and Louis takes great delight on smacking him on the arse as he turns to do the walk around the stage. The screams are probably louder than they were for each of their individual performances combined.   
  
-   
  
It's a lovely day, the first they've had in a while, and most of the others have taken the chance to escape the stuffy bus and go out -- Liam has no idea where, and he doesn't really care. Instead, he takes the opportunity to grab a book and looks forward to spending some time on a  _quiet_  bus for a change.   
  
And it's a nice quiet five minutes, that is until Louis pokes his head in and rolls his eyes when he sees Liam curled up on the couch with a book. "Mate, it's the only nice day we've had so far and you're indoors  _reading_ ?"   
  
"You actually sound like my dad," Liam says, without looking up, and Louis makes a noise of frustration.    
  
"You're coming out for a kickabout, yeah?" and, okay, Liam can do that. He sets his book down -- carefully, with a bookmark -- and follows Louis out. Surprisingly, it's just the two of them, and he glances over at Louis.   
  
"None of the others up for it?"   
  
"Matt and Aiden fucked off somewhere and I'll admit I didn't want to ask Wagner. I know, I know, you're devastated."   
  
"Just a little bit," Liam says, but then Louis's taking his shirt off to make a goalpost and oh shit, this isn't fair, Liam's life isn't  _fair_  and before he knows what he's doing, he hears a jumble of words escape his mouth. "Ikindaliyoo."   
  
"Well,  _that_  made no sense," Louis says, but it's less flippant than usual and he looks a little panicked. "Do you want to -- I mean, will you say that again? In, uh. In human speak this time."   
  
"I," Liam starts, and this is possibly the worst mistake of his life. He tangle his fingers together behind his back and tries not to stare at where Louis is standing, perfect in the sun. "Kind of, um. Like you." He swallows, thinks  _fuck it_  and adds, "A lot. More than a friend. Is what I'm trying to say."   
  
"Oh," Louis says, which is not exactly the response that Liam was hoping for. He doesn't say anything else, either, and Liam's heart sinks. If he can just get away, back to his bunk -- no, wait, that's above Louis's, but Aiden probably wouldn't mind Liam curling up and dying quietly in  _his_  bunk -- "I can hear you thinking again."   
  
"Maybe that's because you haven't  _said_  anything," Liam says, and his voice cracks halfway through.   
  
"I just," Louis says, and flaps his arms ineffectually. "I can't figure out what to say or do, because I'm thinking and I'm like, well, I could say I like you too or I could just sort of grab you and try and eat your face a bit and I -- there are a lot of options, Liam Payne, I'm struggling to choose here."   
  
"Um," Liam says, wets his lips and tries again. "I -- you like me too?"   
  
"Oh," Louis says again, and his eyes get very wide and round. "Shit, I probably should've said that first, shouldn't I? You muppet, of course I do. I stalked you all the way through The X Factor, d'you not remember me lying in wait for you when you were done with Savan?"   
  
"You liked me  _then_ ?" Liam says.   
  
"Well, I thought I did, but I didn't know you, then when I got to know you I knew that I did," Louis says, and makes a face. "Can we have the indepth talk later? Can we go have sex on your bunk now? Can we go have sex on  _Katie's_  bunk?"   
  
"Uh, yeah, sure," Liam says, and then, "Wait, that's a no to Katie's bunk, though." He reconsiders and says, "At the minute. Today."   
  
Louis beams at him, and there's grabbing and kissing and while they never do have sex in Katie's bunk, they  _do_  leave a pair of Wagner's worn boxers on her pillow so all in all,  _all in all_ , Liam considers it a win.   
  
(Louis kisses him live on twitcam and it gets more views than any video diary they've ever made.)


End file.
